MR CASH IS KING COMES TO TOWN AND NO ONE NOTICES

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By Liam Deegan

I thought that maybe a quirky look at the goings around the under reported “cash buyers snapping up property around the country” story rather than the “shot to the head” articles that I usually do, might amuse you. It’s gonna take a few minutes to read but sure what else would you be doing… 🙂

THE BACKGROUND

It is being reported elsewhere that up to 60pc or six out of every ten houses being purchased in Ireland is being bought with cash, leaving the other 40pc of property being purchased by means of a mortgage or by the the bank of mummsy and daddy.

That means 60pc of all properties being sold in Ireland are being purchased by cash rich vulture funds and individuals. In some cases these individuals are arriving at auctions with wads of cash in briefcases as contracts must be exchanged on the day and money handed over.

In the case of privately purchased property, a flick of the opening of the brief case locks, on top of a solicitors desk unveils the wad of cash, setting off a train of shoe licking by said solicitors. Drooling and foaming from the mouth in front of Mr.Cash is King is strictly not allowed according the the Law Society rule book on salivating in front of a client however shoe licking is OK so get used to the taste and smell of shoe polish whether you like it or not, ye cads!

Another big problem on the minds of every single person (except vulture funds, banks and Mr. Cash is King) is that there is no breakdown available to quantify how many of the buyers are overseas purchasers or how many are Irish residents, leaving the burning questions that no one dare speak about:

1. Are the Central Bank and the Revenue Commissioners actually doing their jobs properly or even at all or is everyone asleep at the wheel having taken lessons in snoozeology from that old codger and Financial Regulator, Patrick Neary?

2.Does the bank of mummsy and daddy really make the ordinary man and woman (saving for twenty two years for a mortgage only to be told that the bank isn’t really lending as they never really had it to lend in the first place) really get that jealous?

NAMA – THE RICH MAN’S BANK AND ESTATE AGENT

Only really really seriously rich individuals and tax dodging vulture funds with connections to the government and those who have had a meeting with Mickey Noonan behind closed doors need apply or buy. That’s it, be off with ya now, nothing to see here!

THE ROLE OF THE REVENUE COMMISSIONERS

The big question on every citizen’s lips is (all except the cute hoors with all the cash and government connections): Where are the Revenue Commissioners hiding when it comes to questioning where the source of this money is coming from when it comes to individual cash purchases, given that the legal fraternity are obliged to report any cash transactions over the value of €5,000 to the Revenue?

Are we to believe that all of the foreign property purchasers paying cash are not being investigated by Revenue for:

a) Coming into the country with sums of money in a briefcase that are far in excess of regulations allowed and smiling at the on duty Customs officer with a wry and knowing smile as they skip through the green channel? Surely they must be able to profile Mr. Cash is King by now, especially as he looks at you smugly and throws you a slow wink as he passes you by, while you are doing some fella for having an extra pack of twenty ciggies or an extra bottle of red tooth rot picked up from Dunnes Stores in Malaga.

b) Or are we to believe that Irish resident cash purchasers are not being investigated by Revenue for having that sort of cash to hand, knowing that the Irish are now globally renowned as the greatest tax dodging race in the world according to every single economist that ever lived?

WHERE DOES MR. CASH IS KING GET HIS CASH?

This cash being carried either comes from:

a) Legitimate sources/hard work – real blood sweat and tears?

b) Under a mattress where many rich property developers who were keeping their haul that they had previously hid from NAMA and the Revenue Commissioners?

b) The proceeds of crime? Say no more… Moving along swiftly!

c) Withdrawn from a bank that neglects to inform the Revenue? Oh the system was down on the day I was to do that.. So sorry!

d) Corruption – The only answer is the guillotine with this one. No justice, just the head in the basket is all we want to see!

If the proceeds come from any of the above with the exception of (a & c) then CAB need to be on their tail, but if it was withdrawn from a bank account then the Revenue need to look into:

a) The bank (to see if they reported the cash movement). We know how slimy banks can be when it comes to telling the truth about money, don’t we?

b) The solicitors doing the conveyancing and their reporting of same to the Revenue. Can’t have the legal fraternity doing anything illegal, now can we?

c) The cash rich individual – to see where they got such sums of cash from? The only investigative solution that works for this is a darkened room and spotlight to the face with Sheila from Investigations intimidating the poor Mr. Cash is King by banging the desk when he is starting to snooze and dream of rows of repossessed houses he is buying from beneath the now homeless classes.

Must be something to do with the lovely lolly gained from extra stamp duty that the government had lamentably missed since the collapse of the Celtic Tiger but we won’t go there…

THE ROLE OF THE CENTRAL BANK

The role of the Central Bank is to do as the European Central Bank tells it to do and nothing more.

Rule Number one: When asked awkward questions, keep repeating the mantra with hands over their eyes,shouting “I can’t see you, I can’t see you!”.

Rule number two: Turn a blind eye to everything that is happening but jump a little (for effect) when the Department of Finance looks in your direction. Just to make it seem that you are not falling asleep at the wheel!

Rule number three: Jump really high when the real bosses at the ECB call and stay there until they get off the phone or leave…Which ever comes first!

Rule number three: Repeat rules one and two but especially three.

THE ROLE OF THE DEPARTMENT OF FINANCE

The role of the department of finance is to facilitate the banks in repossessing property by legislation that was demanded and won by the banks and the ECB. That’s it, simple as… If you want to be part of the gang then you gotta ride shotgun for the outlaws!

To introduce legislation that encourages cash buyers who are purchasing basement bargains/ repossessed family homes (everything else goes through NAMA) from the banks (we bailed out) with cash, and whose source is questionable at best. When the stagecoach is being driven by the headless horseman then you know you are in trouble, isn’t that right Mickey Noonan?

To introduce legislation that enriches the vulture funds and the cash buyer, that further enriches the legal fraternity, the estate agent, the County Registrar, the Sherriff and in notable cases the thugs that turn up in balaclavas for unlawful repossessions. As an old Czech friend of mine used to say in his barely understandable accent… “Everybody gotta eat! It’s just the greedy f*ckers that want to rob the bone from the dog when they think the dog ain’t looking”. Think about that one for a minute!

BANK OF MUMMSY AND DADDY

There aren’t too many banks of mummsy and daddy floating about these days, however they do exist, albeit in a tiny tiny number. Cash flown in on private jets doesn’t count because the authorities are rarely seen boarding executive jets belong to the rich or even keep account of wealthy tax dodgers entering or leaving the country!

Drive on sir, I left the gate open… Tugs forelock as a mark of respect!

SO WHAT’S THE LESSON IN ALL OF THIS?

The lesson in all of this is to tell your local or friendly armed robber to stand outside an auction room that is selling repossessed property and wait for the brief cases to appear.

Your share of the loot ensures that you can leave the country unnoticed on a private jet and then the rest of the proceeds should see you nicely settled on the Costa del Sol, living happily ever after, having bought a repossessed villa and Ye Old English Pub that some poor English Mr. Cash is King had bought during the good times but then couldn’t afford to keep up the payments on!

Oh the irony of it all!!